My speechless notes

Well,here i am, its 2.43am at her place. Well, anyway, i gotta type it abit bout what really made me write this notes right now. Im writting to tell myself, its time. Its time to move on, from this suffering. Love is totally a mystery. I've been wasting my clocks just to find the answer, even though i already knew the answer. Yeap, totally wasted it.

Its funny how ur friends still lived a happy life, coz now it makes me wonder how. anyway,shes adorable..the smile,its the very same dimple that i used to stare. Shes petite, a smile-r i shud say. Shes perfect just the way she is. Oh my,Im outta words at the moment. gotta make it through the night so i can spill every single beans,tomorrow and so on. Just to ensure u that this story might help u people, to realize that every decision made is another promises to the heart. which totally will be broken. Goodnight. :~(

few minutes later...

ok,since shes bz having trouble to connect to the internet (celcom broadband is totally suck,especially in her room) i`ll let u guys know what the hell happened here.

well, i cant say that she's perfect or anything. she's been through all kinda miserable moments in her life,so as a human being, making mistakes is what we do.
she's maybe imperfect. but those imperfections makes her perfect to me. i dont know how or why im falling for her. i mean seriously. i cant find any reason why. but i do pity her,ah u know, how men treat women, bla bla bla..

anyway, she is currently having a relationship with Mr.I (im not sure its a relationship or what ever u guys can think of, seriously,i dont wanna share this with u scums.haha). but all i know,she cant get him outta her mind. but whenever we were together, she normally shares everything. u know what i mean, the life story, from the past, the bad and the down ones. and i really love listening to it. the way shes telling it, the way the story goes. or maybe, im just in love.

anyway,im gonna convert this into Malay. mcm malas dah nak pk wordings. hehe. so aku diam je dari smlm,sebab aku mcm putus harapan,but then aku tanak dia tau. aku tatau ape nak buat,shud i tell her,or biarkan je.ntah la. dia ni jenis kekadang cakap tak serupa bikin,tp kita tak bleh judge mcm tu. maybe dia ada reason. shes a human,man..come on.. yes,i know its my fault,not telling her how i feel for her. but i can guarantee u,im not her type of man lah. im the last on the list la weh. seriously.

so dia ade something2 dgn sorang mamat ni. mamat ni treat dia kekadang ok,kekadang tak. maybe mamat tu ikhlas,but who knows kan. tp everytime mamat ni treat dia jahanam, aku jadi hangin. aisehmen. dulu aku tak peduli langsung pasal ni, skang mcm rasa tikam org tu jadi mende senang je bagi aku. haha. maybe aku cakap mcm ni sebab aku yg suka pada dia. lol. but ah,lantak la. im keeping this to myself. im not gonna make things worst as it is. so aku diam je til now. dia pun mcm prasan aku diam. then "weh,kau asal? diam je?" aku cakap tade ape,then dia pun push la nak korek itu ini apsal aku diam. aku tatau nak cakap cemane. urgh!

so dia pun push lagi dan lagi nak tau apsal aku diam je.aku pun cakap la tade ape bla bla bla..bagi alasan itu ini. takkan aku nak cakap "aku suka kau! paham?" gila weh. tu bukan aku la. aku tak suka sebut mende tu senang2. aku bukan main sebat je kan. pastu dia pun mcm merajuk la,dia mcm "ok la ok la,tape la tanak cakap dgn aku..tape aa" aku taleh kasitau la.then,aku terrrrrrcakap, "beb,lepas ni aku jarang la lepak sini". damn! apsal aku cakap? urghhhh!

dia apa lagi,start la tanya "apsal plak?" mati aku. aku nak cakap apa? ahaha. aku tanak lepak sini,sebab everyday aku tgk dia,aku lagi sayang. tp at the same time, aku jd lagi sedih. rasa nak hempok kepala kat laptop pon ada.so aku rasa baik aku chow. plus agak lama dah aku lepak sini.aku pun naik segan. aku lepak sini pun sebab aku nak temankan dia. dia takut tidur mlm, slalu kene himpap (hantu ke apejadah ke aku pun tatau). hari kerja pun aku tidur sini. kekadang sampai aku ponteng kerja. i dont mind doing these things,if its for her. in fact, im willing to do more than these. so dia pun push la lagi "apsal kau tanak lepak? sbb budak rumah ke? sebab aku moody tadi ke? sebab itu...ini..." aku deny semua. sebab nye simple je,aku suka kau,tp aku tau kau takkan suka aku,so dari aku duduk sini,buatkan aku lagi sayang pada kau,sambil tu aku sakitkan hati sendiri,baik aku blah. one day dia akan faham.
then dia cam agak masam la muka. muncung je. hehe. comel plak. tp aku kene tahan,aku taleh bgtau.

12.23pm

aku tesedar. sebab sejuk sgt. aku tido kat bawah,shes on the bed. aku suka tgk dia tido. dia suka tido dgn mata terbuka,tp nampak mata putih je. hehe. funny but sweet. everytime dia tido,kalau aku tjaga,mesti aku tgk dia tido. ape ape pun,aku rasa ni kali terakhir la aku tgk dia tido. aku rasa its time la. aku dah putus asa.apa yg aku buat,apa yg aku cakap,semua sbb aku suka dia. aku tak boleh ckp directly. nnt jadi lain. plus, aku mmg confident, dia takkan suka aku. kalau dia suka pun,its my lucky day...not! dream on brother,dream on...

aku pack semua brg aku,lappie,guitar semua. then aku gosok kepala dia yg tgh tido tu,aku cakap aku nak chow. dia tersedar,then dia cakap "alaa..kau dah la tanak bgtau aku napa..camni la wehh..tape laa" hehe,dia still ingat n merajuk. i cant say it my dear,i dont wanna make u feel stressed out. i just want u to be happy. if its not with me, i`ll accept it. no worries. even kalau dia happy dgn org lain pun, aku redha. then aku chow.

sampai rumah, dpt call dari Boss, ajak jumpa plak. adoi, SUNDAY ni woi. Gov mana kerja. aiyark! so aku siap siap,rushing pegi MNDF (err,opis aku,teka la sendiri) then boss aku pick up,shoot pergi Old Town,Yap Kwan Seng. ade kerja belum setel utk event di Langkawi (Lima`09). on the way tu, aku text dia. aku tanya, "sure ke tayah hantar kau?" dia reply "sure" (merajuk or ade reason lain la tu) oh aku lupa, dia suppose balik Melaka hari ini.smlm aku cakap aku nak hantar ke Pudu.tp sbb smlm aku diam,tak bgtau reason napa aku diam/aku tanak lepak situ dah pasni, dia pun mcm merajuk.aiyaaa. Next Saturday is Hari Raya Aidiladha. Mak dia bising suruh balik since dia jobless. aku dah suruh,dah paksa cari kerja,tapi dia asyik jawap "aku malas la" aku tanak dia duduk mcm ni,aku nak dia hidup. hidup sbagai org berjaya,bukan duduk bawah tanggungan mak bapak,or dato' ke jiran ke macha ke ape jadah ke.

then aku sms lagi,dia diam je tak reply. hmmm. setel kerja around 4.30pm,aku gerak blk. sebelum gerak,aku mcm rasa nak call dia. tatau apsal. kekadang dgr suara pun cukup. :D so aku call,tanya dia sure ke tanak aku hantar. dia cam dingin je. ckp pon mcm malas layan. im so sorry babe,i have to do this. im doing this because i love u. believe me,nanti kau paham. maybe kau sedang baca blog ni. but seriosly,im not writting this down utk kau tau. aku tulis ni sebab aku rasa beban sgt dalam kepala aku ni nak simpan. this few months is really torturing me. aku tinggal semua kawan2 aku,budak rumah aku, or even kerja sebab dia. aku tak kisah semua itu. but then bila pk balik,end of the day, still aku sorang2. dan dia..dgn mamat tu, or sapa sapa la.

so i guess. hari ni, ni la ending yg mcm sial. aku rasa mcm sial je.tatau apa nak buat, mana perlu pergi, dan apa mau cakap. from now on,aku akan try tak sayang dia...or maybe aku akan end up tunggu dia.adoiiii. tapi kalau tunggu pun, brapa lama? kalau tunggu, dia nak ke aku? hmm ntah la. i'll cross the bridge when i get there. so til then..this is my speechless notes for today.. :/